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I'm Afraid

By Azami - July 26, 2019


It's exciting wanting to move and completely change my life. Except when it's happening in three months' time. Then, it starts to become a scary little thing and it's paralysing me because I'm afraid. So afraid.
I've chosen about three or four months ago to move for an indefinite period of time to London. I currently live and work in Paris and I love it here but I'm just feeling there are not enough opportunities here for me as a makeup artist and as a person.

I'm 24 years old, turning 25 in November and I've always felt that if I spent my whole life in France, I would take it as a failure. France, my France, is a great country where I feel safe and loved and have some connections and most importantly, where I have my closest relatives - my mom, my dad and my sister.

But I'm feeling that at 24, if I don't move now and make something out of my life, I never will. I don't want to settle for a life that was easy. I've struggled for a great part of my life and I'm okay to struggle a little more and a little longer if that means at the end of the road, I'll find the happiness and achievement I'm looking for. I need to struggle. I need to have ideas of creation and fight for them and look for ways to make them come alive.

Still, I don't have any money aside. I have a permanent position here at M.A.C. and I have three paychecks to put aside before I leave. I'm afraid I won't have enough money there and I'm afraid of not finding an apartment soon enough, I'm afraid to waste and I'm afraid I'll spend it all before I get there.
Still, I'm getting ready, getting all the tips I can about the life in London. I've ordered a SIM card in advance, I've got my adapters ready, I'm getting ready.

But I'm afraid of sabotaging myself.

I love London and I'm hoping it's just a first step in my life towards greatness. I feel there's more freedom there for me as a person and as an artist, more potential to the city. More people to meet, more memories to be made. I would love to move to an even greater city later in my life, like New York City. And the fact that I'm frightened and don't know where to start is bothering me - big time. Because I'm afraid I'll pass by a lot of things if I don't make up my mind soon. I don't want to be the person who didn't do stuff because she was too busy asking herself questions. I shouldn't be that person.

I'm shy. I'm so very shy but also full of curiosity and always looking forward to learn new things. Always looking for tips. I'm always pushing myself, trying to get out of my comfort zone. But I've always been afraid of people and I think that deep down, I always will. Maybe that's why I'm a makeup artist today - to push myself since I have to meet people to do my job.

That fright will come and go in waves until I leave. But I don't think it can leave.

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