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I Can't Remember

By Azami - August 13, 2019


I can't remember. 61 days till I'm leaving for London. I handed in my resignation two days ago, on August 11 and I have exactly two months to go till my departure to London.
I am looking for jobs and flat shares already, I'm so pumped, I absolutely cannot wait for the days to go by. Of course, they won't fly if I keep thinking about it, which I do.

I may have to be single when I go there, after almost 5 years with the same person loving and caring for me. At 24, though, I want to be on my own, enjoy life for myself and not care that there is someone waiting for me somewhere, anytime, whatever I do. Some time alone, reckless, risky future, some struggle and some time that I can only use for myself and learn to know myself. No buddy, nobody, just freedom and time and no responsibility other than me.

Yet I already can't remember. The curve of his lip. The color in his eyes in growing faint. After each night I sleep, he exists less and less and the moments we lived fade away. I am already me, myself and I.
The days I watched him sleep. The love songs we dozed off to. The little things I kept as memories of our first days together. I already can't remember. The messages I kept reading or listening to.
The songs I listen to to remember the moments together even when I can't understand either the moments or the words to the songs.

I hurt because you can never know how truthful a person can be and what the future will bring. 
The choices I make have consequences but you can't make choices driven by fear. And that is the meaning of my "Conquer Your Mind" tattoo, partly. I have to do things for myself. What if I regret? You can't go around chasing people again when you feel like it hoping they'll linger round for you. You can't do things wondering if they'll wait for you.

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